Hey guys.
It has been a while since I have written. Not because I had nothing to say, but rather because putting it into words is so hard.
Losing Analiese changed me. Permanently. I will never be the same Janice I was in the first 10 months of 2015. I have healed enough that I have friends again. I go out. I laugh and make jokes. But she is always with me. So when a friend mentions “why don’t you have kids?” Or “you have a baby?!?” Or they ask about my tattoo, I tell them the truth. In the middle of the bar, or my workplace. When they use the “R” word in conversation I always, immediately, ask them not to use that word. When they ask why, I tell them. I am not ashamed of my story or my grief. And I am not afraid to make someone uncomfortable by telling it. Grief IS uncomfortable. But it is also life.
I lost a friend today. A friend that I always thought I would have. And though we won’t run in opposite directions if we see each other on the street, my life has once again changed. You cannot share years of memories and love without being changed in some way when it ends.
I have made new friends. Wonderful amazing people that are passionately “pro Janice”. It is so different to know that these people just constantly want the best for me, in all things. If I say something down on myself, they correct me. They believe I can do anything. The positivity they have brought into my life is something that I have had from my family, my husband and my 2 friends that are more like sisters. But never just friends. It is changing how I see myself, something that is desperately needed.
To these amazing people that are in my life, thank you. Be patient with me. Because I am a clingy crazy girl sometimes, and usually I only see the worst in myself. But I appreciate what you have brought into my life.
And for those following my story, be on the look out for more posts. I am going to make a conscious effort to share more as our IVF journey begins (hopefully) soon.
Analiese's Mommy 