2nd Mothers Day.

Its freaking Mothers Day. Again. A day dedicated to spoiling the mothers in your life. Giving them a tiny break from the daily grind of keeping your kids alive and *mostly* happy. Its a day to thank your moms for giving you everything they possibly could. Moms should be thanked and appreciated every single day. But today is the day, nationwide, that you are expected to make a big deal.

Where do I fit into this? I am a mom. I was pregnant. I carried her for 38 weeks. I birthed her. And she died. I haven’t worn holey underwear so that I could buy a pack of diapers, or walked around with baby puke down my back. I don’t have those humorous badges of honor. 

But I have spent countless sleepless nights, just like other moms. They were awake because of their fussy or sick or just awake baby. I was awake, grieving over my empty arms and broken heart. Either way, we were both losing sleep. We were both exhausted beyond belief, and kept going anyways, because what choice did we have?

Moms walk around with an overwhelming pride. They MADE this child. Its incredible. A miracle. I have the same pride. My daughter was a miracle. But I also have grief. Because I cannot hold her the way most moms hold their little ones.

Mothers day is the chance for moms all over the country to have an afternoon off. Someone else will change the diapers, do the dishes, clean, and keep the kids alive. Mothers day for me brings out my grief even more strongly than a normal day. Because while most moms are begging for a break, I’m begging for my child to come back. 

Spoil the moms in your life. They deserve the break. And most of them probably feel some mom guilt over wanting the break to begin with. And for the loss moms that you know (miscarriage, infant loss and even women that struggle with infertility and have not yet achieved a pregnancy yet), give them some love. NOT a vague “Happy Mother’s Day!” message, because that is thoughtless and hurtful. But a message that says “thinking about you today. I hope you have a good mothers day.” Let us know that we are not forgotten. Because we will never forget our lost little ones. 

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Living in the Dark.

The last 18 months have been more painful than I thought I would ever be able to endure. As a teenager, I was a pretty emotionally stable person. Of course I dealt with my own insecurities and heart breaks, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Nothing that was permanently damaging or scarring. The last 18 months have changed all of that. I am damaged and scarred. And will never be the same person I was at 24. 

I lost my daughter. No, I’m “not over that yet”. I held my baby girl while she died. That isn’t something you get over, or get past. It is something you learn to carry. Losing Analiese has broken me. I am broken. Every laugh is forced, every smile is fake. I don’t even recognize myself because all I see in the mirror is a stranger that is struggling to make it through every single day. 

I feel abandoned. Not only did my daughter die in 2016, but my father died on March 25th, 2017. I quit my job because I can’t handle it. I can’t handle my emotions or myself. I quit calling my friends because I have nothing to say. All I can talk about is how much I hurt. How much I miss my dad. How much I miss my daughter. How I’m afraid I will never have children of my own. And my friends must be tired of hearing about it, because they stopped calling. I don’t blame them. The amazing friend that I was? That girl is gone. All that is left is the shell of the girl that called and checked in and cared about the little problems and sent random care packages. The girl that was available day or night for anything her friends needed? She’s gone. 

All that is left is me. This fearful, depressed, broken woman. And I don’t feel good enough for anyone. I don’t feel like I deserve anything good. Because if I did, SOMETHING good would have come my way by now, right? I have my husband, and thank God for him because without him I do not think I would survive. But is he all I will ever get that is good? Because if so, please tell me. I am so tired of trying to only get kicked back. 

People ask daily, “how are you?” And I lie. Or if they have an idea of the grief in my life I say “I’m making it” or “I’m surviving”. That’s all I can do. Survive. But how long can I be expected to survive with no hope? With no hope of having children that will survive, with no funds to adopt? With no hope that things will ever get better. 

I found a quote today that said “when you aren’t able to look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark.” I wish someone with sit in the dark with me. I am lost.