The last 18 months have been more painful than I thought I would ever be able to endure. As a teenager, I was a pretty emotionally stable person. Of course I dealt with my own insecurities and heart breaks, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Nothing that was permanently damaging or scarring. The last 18 months have changed all of that. I am damaged and scarred. And will never be the same person I was at 24.
I lost my daughter. No, I’m “not over that yet”. I held my baby girl while she died. That isn’t something you get over, or get past. It is something you learn to carry. Losing Analiese has broken me. I am broken. Every laugh is forced, every smile is fake. I don’t even recognize myself because all I see in the mirror is a stranger that is struggling to make it through every single day.
I feel abandoned. Not only did my daughter die in 2016, but my father died on March 25th, 2017. I quit my job because I can’t handle it. I can’t handle my emotions or myself. I quit calling my friends because I have nothing to say. All I can talk about is how much I hurt. How much I miss my dad. How much I miss my daughter. How I’m afraid I will never have children of my own. And my friends must be tired of hearing about it, because they stopped calling. I don’t blame them. The amazing friend that I was? That girl is gone. All that is left is the shell of the girl that called and checked in and cared about the little problems and sent random care packages. The girl that was available day or night for anything her friends needed? She’s gone.
All that is left is me. This fearful, depressed, broken woman. And I don’t feel good enough for anyone. I don’t feel like I deserve anything good. Because if I did, SOMETHING good would have come my way by now, right? I have my husband, and thank God for him because without him I do not think I would survive. But is he all I will ever get that is good? Because if so, please tell me. I am so tired of trying to only get kicked back.
People ask daily, “how are you?” And I lie. Or if they have an idea of the grief in my life I say “I’m making it” or “I’m surviving”. That’s all I can do. Survive. But how long can I be expected to survive with no hope? With no hope of having children that will survive, with no funds to adopt? With no hope that things will ever get better.
I found a quote today that said “when you aren’t able to look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark.” I wish someone with sit in the dark with me. I am lost.