Hope is deadly.

I had a conversation recently with a friend. She kind of called me out on my attitude about IVF. I made the comment “when that doesn’t work, I don’t know which road we will take.” And she asked me why I’m bothering. She wonders why, if I am so positive that IVF and PGS is not going to work for us, we are wasting our time and money.

I don’t have a good answer for her. Or for anyone. All I can explain is how I feel. How it feels to me, when I allow myself to imagine that maybe, just maybe, something might work out in my favor. For instance. Stefan and I decided to enter a contest to win a grant for IVF. An amazing youtube couple that has struggled with infertility has put together a way to gift ONE couple with a round of IVF. Its an incredible gift that they’re giving. The way they designed the contest is they will choose a certain amount of finalists, and then the general public gets to vote on the couple they think should win based on the 2 minute video submission.

We did not make the finals. And honestly, I’m not surprised. I was so desperate to enter, and I’m so shattered by what our story is, that our video was less than appealing. You can’t sum up our story in 15 seconds and have the rest of the video showing how awesome and fun we are. Its barely possible to summarize our story in 2 minutes. My desperation showed, and it did not do me any favors.

So here I am, in tears. Feeling completely defeated, again, because I feel like we will never get there. I can’t even get chosen as a FINALIST in a contest. The odds of that was way better than the odds of IVF working for us.

I’m terrified to hope. Do you know what that feels like? To literally be afraid to hope for a good thing because it never happens?

I would love to convince myself that I can do anything through the power of positibe thinking. But I can’t. I can’t bring my daughter back to life. I can’t make my body be normal. I can’t make my story more cute and funny. And I can’t allow myself to hope that IVF will work, because when it doesn’t, it will feel like another child died. My hopes for a biological child will die. And if I dont hope for it, then it won’t happen.

Everything I have hoped for has gone up in flames. I hoped for a healthy baby. I hoped for a non-fatal diagnosis. I hoped for a few months/weeks/days with my child. I hoped we could get pregnant again. I hoped the cause of Analiese’s death would be random and not genetic. And I hoped we would win a grant that could give is the opportunity to try again. Obviously, hope has gotten me no where.


2 thoughts on “Hope is deadly.

  1. I’m so sorry. I’m sure you hear that all the time so it feels cheap for me to even say that. I just don’t have any other words to say. Everything feels wrong. It feels like I might say the wrong thing so I stick with those three words. You’re such a wonderful person Janice and you deserve all the happiness in the world. You’re always in my thoughts and prayers. God can do big things. I’m praying for God to do big things in your life. You are loved.


  2. I just discovered your blog through the Facebook BT group. I wanted to say that you’re not alone. I have a BT and long painful (albeit different) story. Hope can be deadly but it can also drive you forward. Sending hugs. XXX


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