My First Mother’s Day

I’m not going to lie. I’ve been dreading this day for weeks. Even though I have the best support system, and the most amazing husband, I just kept wishing today would hurry up and be over. Mother’s Day is designed to honor our moms. To give them breaks from the daily parenting grind, and to make them feel appreciated. But how do you honor a mother with no child to parent?

All over Facebook, I see graphics and memes. They all say a variation of the same thing, “the best day of my life is the day I became a mom”. I see pictures of my friends with their children with captions that say “me and my world”. And I’m jealous. Jealous and bitter. Because the day I became a mom was equally the best and most devastating day of my entire life. My world died, 85 minutes after she came into this world. And there was nothing I could do to stop it, or change it.

Things like that make me feel like less of a mom. The little things that mom’s of toddlers are looking forward to escaping from for a few hours are things I’ll never experience with my daughter. I don’t get to complain about sleepless nights, or potty training woes.

But I’ve realized, I’m not less of a mom. I only had 85 minutes with my daughter, but she was loved every second. I carried her, I nourished her, and I did everything I could to give her the best chance she could have. I am a mom, and I deserve to be recognized, even though I am heartbroken.

This day is not easy for me, or for any parent that has lost a child. But don’t ignore us for fear of upsetting us. Acknowledge us. We’re already sad, we’re already thinking about our loss. The thing that will upset us more than anything is feeling as though our children are forgotten.