Every day that passes is another day that pushes me farther away from Analiese. I carry her, every moment, inside my heart. Inside my mind. She’s all of my dreams, and wishes, and pain. And the decisions that must be made now are hard. Just as hard as the decisions we had to make while I was pregnant with Analiese. Because the emotions that surround the decisions are so potent. The guilt: are we betraying our daughter? The uncertainty: will we ever be successful in having a biological child? The never ending question of “are we doing the right thing?” And honestly, I don’t think we will ever have true answers for any of these questions. Whether we wait a week or ten years, I think all of these questions and emotions will be a part of the decision. My own opinions on these things is fluid. It changes with the minute on how I feel at that particular moment. But all we can do is move forward, because if we stay in one place we will drown in grief. All I know for sure is that I am ready to be a parent. To have a child to nurse, and teach, and watch grow.
We had our first appointment with Shady Grove Fertility on Thursday, June 2nd. I am working with Dr. Mottla, and I love him. He’s an amazingly nice and understanding man, and the fact that he is super good friends with Dr. Sweeney says a lot about his character. I’m so incredibly thankful that we are here, and have access to the amazing doctors in the area.
One aspect of the decision we have to made about moving forward in attempting to start our family is whether or not to use donor eggs. Dr. Mottla is encouraging this. He understands that with my particular chromosomal abnormalities due to my 3 translocations, that successfully creating a viable embryo with my own eggs is going to be near impossible. And, Stefan and I understand that too. I know how difficult it will be to successfully create a biological embryo that is viable.
But hard situations have never stopped me before. And we have to try. We have to attempt, at least, at getting an embryo that is viable, that is made up of me and of Stefan. My goofy gene and his quiet one. I need to see how we will mix, and what kind of personality will come from it. I need to at least try. And I know exactly how long of a shot this is. It’s such a long shot, they can’t even give me numerical figures for statistics. Dr. Mottla has never encountered someone with 3 translocations, and he has been doing this for decades.
But I’ve always been an overachiever. And all the other aspects are in my favor. I’m healthy, and fertile. We have no issues getting pregnant, or carrying to term. So we are trying. And I don’t want to hear any more about donor eggs. Or considering adoption. Or anything else. We know our options, and we hear them at every single appointment we go to. And I do not want to feel like I need to defend my right to try and have a biological child. No one else has to defend their rights, so this will be my only defense. Support us. Encourage us. And pray for us. If the time comes for us to consider other options, we will cross that road then. But we are not there. Not yet.