Yet another update

I never know how to begin these blog posts. I feel like I’m just writing yet another update on the misery that is my life currently. But we receive text messages daily checking in on “how we’re doing”, so I feel like it is necessary. At least, it makes my life easier to just update everyone at once.

So how are we doing? We’re surviving. We wake up every day, and eat breakfast and then proceed to attempt to be distracted from our heartbreak. Stefan plays video games. I begin and reject at least 3 different TV shows, 2 different books and a movie. I usually end up just laying on the couch, in Stefan’s lap, snuggling Analiese’s bear, doing absolutely nothing. I feel numb right now. I can go large periods of every day without feeling any emotions at all. And then I feel guilty, because I’m not actively sad, so I look at her pictures. And then I get overwhelmed with grief, and snuggle her bear harder.

Most of the time, it doesn’t feel real. Physically my recovery is easy, and I fit in all my pre-pregnancy clothes. There’s nothing physical to remind me that my daughter was born, and died, 13 days ago. It’s all emotional. So when I have those moments of sweeping grief, I feel guilty on top of everything else that I’m not overwhelmingly sad all day every day.

On Monday, Stefan and I went to Lasting Tributes and picked up Analiese’s ashes. Yesterday we went and had a friend’s mom open up the back of her bear, and put her ashes inside it. So now, when I snuggle her bear, I’m able to snuggle my daughter as well. Not the way I desperately want, but better than nothing.

Someone recently described grief as waves. Some of them you can jump over, and some of them knock you flat on your back and make you feel like you’re drowning. Most of the waves I’m hit with are the latter.

There isn’t words for what we feel, or how we’re doing. We are just taking every day moment by moment until it is time to go to bed, and then we do it all over again the next day.

I’m still pumping, and I’m almost finished with the process so that I can donate. I average about 25 ounces a day now, and it still lifts my spirits, knowing that Analiese’s birth has given me a way to help so many babies. I’m not gonna lie though, I’d rather be feeding my baby.

So Many Thank Yous

There are seriously no words to express how thankful Stefan and I are to have all of you in our lives. You’ve shown how much we mean to you, and how important Analiese is every moment since we announced her genetic condition. And some of you have gone above and beyond by sending flowers, gift cards and care packages. Every delivery leaves us more and more speechless.

Today, however, we are absolutely floored by the lengths some wonderful ladies have gone to to ensure Analiese’s mark on the world. Not only did they have an adorable glass engraved at Disney World with her name, they went through the International Star Registry and had a star renamed after her. I didn’t realize that you could actually do that, and now there is a star that will forever be named Analiese.

image

image

image

image

Thank you everyone so so much for making sure that Analiese is never forgotten. Your love and outpouring of support is something Stefan and I will never be able to thank you for, or repay.

Decisions and donations

The past few days have been the hardest days of my entire life. I wake up and feel empty, because my little girl isn’t here to cuddle and snuggle. Time stopped while I was in the hospital, because even though my baby only lived 85 minutes, she was still with me. I don’t have that anymore.

I have made a decision that is helping me through the worst moments though. I’ve decided to donate my breast milk to a milk bank that only uses it for NICU preemie babies. This is emotional for me, but it also lifts my spirits. You see, I’m a production machine. In 3 days I’ve been able to freeze about 30 ounces of milk. By doing this, I am able to help sick babies, and that feels really good. But what feels even better it that Analiese’s life is contributing to something positive. She has enabled me to do something positive and give my baby a legacy by helping other babies live.

It’s going to be hard, because I want nothing more than to feed by baby. But I truly believe that it is going to be worth it.

What we need

I’ve received so much love and support from everyone throughout this whole process. This is truly the hardest thing I will ever deal with in my life, and while nothing and no one can make it easier, the people surrounding me have definitely helped make it not harder.

The top statement of the day is “let me know if you need anything, or if I can do anything for you”. And I know they mean it. I know absolutely that if I called any one person and said “I can’t face cooking right now but I’m hungry” food would magically appear at my door. And I might be asking for that soon. But right now, that’s not what I need.

I need someone to bring my baby girl back to me. It’s that simple, and that impossible. You see, I had to leave her today at the hospital and go home. And I left her in the best possible hands. But they aren’t MY hands. Or my husbands. And I don’t know what to do with my arms and heart so empty.

My daughter is beautiful and precious, and she has impacted everyone that met her or that has read her story. But she hasn’t impacted anyone as much as she impacted me and her daddy. Our lives will never ever be the same. And we want her back. I want to love on her while I fall asleep. Sleeping is so hard without her kicking me inside my belly, or held close beside me.

I have no physical proof that I carried her. She was so small, I don’t look like I just had a baby. And I want to so desperately. I want people to KNOW that I am a mommy to a beautiful angel. I have no stretch marks. No scar. Nothing to prove she existed except for pictures and her story. Analiese Claire is the best thing I have ever done. And I need her with me. Her daddy needs her with him.

This isn’t fair. But it is my awful reality.

image

I love you so much, my sweet angel girl. I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough.

Introducing Analiese Claire Murphy

Analiese Claire Murphy was born on Thursday February 11th, 2016 at 10:29pm. She weighed 3 pounds 1.7 ounces and was 15.5 inches long. She’s the most beautiful baby I have ever laid my eyes on. My beautiful daughter passed away at 11:54pm, an hour and 25 minutes after her birth. She spent every second of that 85 minutes enveloped in my arms, or in her daddy’s arms. All she knew is love, and adoration, and peace.

The rest of this blog post will be her birth story, and I’ll post a few pictures at the bottom. More pictures will be available later once our friend finishes uploading them for us. Analiese Claire lived on this earth for 85 minutes, and she was determined to meet her mommy and her daddy. She deserves to have her story told.

The original plan was to call the hospital at 11:15pm on February 10th, 2016 to make sure there was space available in the labor and delivery ward. Assuming the answer was a yes, we were to check in at 12:15am on February 11th. Well, we all know what they say about the best laid plans. After spending the entire day getting ready to go to the hospital and having our anxiety grow, when I called at 11:15, there was no space for a planned induction. The hospital said that they would call me once some rooms started opening up. So off to sleep I went. At 05:40 they called me and said that I could come in. So after getting dressed, packing the car, and a quick stop at Chick-Fil-A for breakfast, we arrived at the hospital at 7:20am. General checking in and such went pretty quickly and we sat around waiting for my doctor until 9am. Poor lady had a c-section scheduled first thing when she got to work. So by 9:10am I received my first dose of Cytotec. Up until this point I had not had any contractions other than braxton hicks, so we are really starting my labor from scratch. My doctor, Dr. Hays, tells me that they will check my progression every 4 hours, and that I will get another dose of cytotec then.

The first four hours were pretty uneventful. I began cramping, which was a good sign, and Stefan and I played cards. He kicked my ass, as usual, at Egyptian Rat Screw and Rummy. I was slowly getting more irritable, which always means I’m getting more and more uncomfortable. At 1:20 Dr Hays came back and checked my dilation. I had progressed to 1 cm! She was pleased that progression had happened, and gave me my second dose. Stefan and I decided that we needed to catch a nap, so we laid down around 2. I was up by 3:30, conceding defeat. I was cramping too badly to sleep. Stefan, of course, was snoozing away on the couch. I called my nurse, Annie O, and asked for the birthing ball. I sat on it for a little while, and tried to read but it just wasn’t enough. So I got dressed and went out to the nurses station to pace and chat. I really love the nurses here, so if you are looking for a hospital to deliver at you should just come to Anne Arundel Medical Center. I have only had wonderful experiences with the nurses and staff. They’re awesome.

I chat with Annie O, Anne, and another nurse for about 45 minutes, and then decided to wake up Stefan because it was ALMOST time to get checked again. At this point I was looking forward to getting checked because I fully intended to ask for an epidural. My thoughts were that I was either progressing enough to need one, or I wasn’t progressing enough but I was in too much pain to endure it at this slow of a pace. I was getting the drugs, regardless. The good news is I was still progressing. I was at 2cm and about 80% effaced. I was a little worried I would slow down progession by getting the epidural too early, but my doctor assured me that even if it slowed down a little, it would still be okay. So I got my 3rd dose of cytotec at 5:15pm and I had the epidural in place by 6:00pm. And let me tell you, that was the best decision of my LIFE. The contractions were so bad I couldn’t stay still during them at all, so the epidural was a little scary but it all went perfectly. After I got the drugs things really started rolling along.

My mom got here around 6:30 and helped get things settled in the room. We played more Rummy and mom was actually beating Stefan. I love watching him lose a game because it very rarely happens. Dr Hays checked me again at 7:45 and I had progressed to 3cm and 100% effaced. She also put in a UPC (I think) to give a better picture of how my contractions were progressing. I text my friend Leanne to go ahead and head this way. Leanne arrived by 9pm, she was our acting photographer. I cannot say enough about how amazing she was. She is not a photographer, at all, but she has a fancy camera and a loving and giving heart. It was wonderful to be able to focus on Analiese and Stefan without worrying about missing a moment of our limited time together because we were focused on taking a picture. She was spectacular throughout the entire evening. We all sat and talked for a little while, and I noticed that my epidural wasn’t working in one spot on my left side. I could feel my contractions pretty strongly. I called Grace (who was my nighttime nurse. Shift changed happened at 7pm), and she told me about the bolster button for my epidural. MAGIC. I hit the button, laid down on my left side, and within 15 minutes it was all numb again. Hooray!

Around 10pm I started feeling a ridiculous amount of pressure in my vagina with every contraction. (That is a direct quote.) Grace came in and called Dr. Hays to come check me again. Turns out, Analiese was crowning. It was time to have this baby. Everyone jumped into action mode, and I’m laying in the bed with dead legs, wondering how I’m supposed to take off my tank top and bra with an epidural in my back. Whoops! Grace helped me get squared away, and Stefan got a gown on top of his clothes so he could hold our baby girl. A few minutes later we were ready for me to start pushing. 2 and a half contractions later, Analiese had her head out completely, but the cord was wrapped around her neck fairly tightly, twice. Dr Hays untangled her, and I pushed her the rest of the way out.

Analiese immediately began to cry, but instead of a baby’s cry it was a soft squeaky sound. They put her on my chest immediately and covered her up with a warm blanket. Stefan leaned in, and we both just listened to her soft squeaks. Dr Hays delayed the cord clamping like I asked, and I truly believe it made a big difference in the lifespan of my daughter. I don’t remember exactly how the rest of everything went. I know they asked me to push again to birth the placenta, but everything was very much so in the background. My entire focus was on Analiese, and Stefan. I was so amazed that she came out so strong. I’ve known she was a fighter throughout this entire pregnancy. It was shown at every weekly appointment when Dr. Sweeney was shocked that she still had a heartbeat. He eventually began to expect it because my daughter defies all expectations. She was born with a heartbeat and breathing, something that none of my doctors expected. My daughter kicks ass.

Edited (1 of 6)

I remember passing Analiese to Stefan so he could hold her, and she was still with us. He sat in the chair, and then he got into the bed with me and held her between us. We played “pass the baby” back and forth, because we each wanted the other to have enough time with her while she was still with us. Around 11:40 Stefan had the brilliant idea to play our song. For the past few days we had been searching for a song to fit this situation and just couldn’t find one that fit perfectly and that we loved. Then it dawned on him and we couldn’t believe it took so long. It is our song for our relationship, and it fits our situation in that moment perfectly.

“I don’t want this moment to ever end where everything’s nothing without you. I’ll wait here forever just to see you smile, ’cause it’s true I am nothing without you. Through it all I’ve made my mistakes I stumble and fall. But I mean these words. I want you to know with everything I won’t let this go. These words are my heart and soul. I hold on to this moment you know, ’cause I’d bleed my heart out to show that I won’t let go.”

Edited (4 of 6)12744259_10205765722838444_4785908267664607987_n

We both had a feeling that it was time to have her heartbeat checked again, and called for Grace. She had Dr. Hays come in to verify, and Analiese’s official time of death was 11:54pm on February 11th, 2016. She spent every minute of those 85 minutes in arms that love and adore her. Stefan and I cannot believe how lucky we are to have made such a perfectly beautiful little girl.

I’m sure at this point you’re wondering how Stefan and I are doing. And answering that question is really hard. We’re shattered, but Analiese is still with us in the room. We’re still at the hospital, and Analiese will stay with us until we check out tomorrow. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking she is just asleep, but she isn’t. And I don’t think it will truly hit us until we go home with empty arms.

We had a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come today and take professional pictures of Analiese. They are such an amazing organization, and took fantastic care of Analiese today. I don’t have the words to show how much appreciation I feel for them, or for the nursing staff here at the hospital. They’ve taken amazing care of me and of Analiese.

Thank you everyone for giving us time and privacy to grieve. We are dealing with the hardest thing we will ever have to face in our entire lives, and are leaning on each other heavily right now. We love you all, and thank you for your thoughts, good wishes, and prayers. Keep it up, because we need them more than ever right now. My daughter left us way too soon, and we are not okay. But we are surviving, and will continue to survive. We don’t have a choice.

12744311_10205765722718441_5512481675679394194_n12654392_10205765722998448_3396694581060725346_n

Analiese after her bath, dressed in the outfit I made for her. 

Edited (5 of 6)

My mom holding her precious granddaughter, wrapped in the blanket I made for her.

Edited (6 of 6)

I love my angel baby girl.

Final Countdown to Analiese

So many of you guys have expressed love and concern for me and Stefan during this horrible time in our lives, and we thank you so much for keeping us in your thoughts. I decided to write this blog post so that everyone has the same information about Analiese’s upcoming birth.

I’m 37 weeks pregnant now. Stefan and I have had long talks and debates with each other, and my various doctors, and have decided to schedule an induction for Analiese. I’ll be admitted into the hospital at 12:15 AM on Thursday, February 11th. This was not an easy decision, or one that we made lightly, but we do feel that it is in the best interest of Analiese and ourselves. We do not know how long we will have with Analiese, if we get any time at all, so PLEASE allow us this time with her without interruption. We will inform everyone about her birth and passing when we are ready.

I’m scheduled to deliver at Anne Arundel Medical Center in Annapolis, MD. If you want or need any other information please message me and ask before Thursday. Stefan and my mom will both be preoccupied alongside me, so they will more than likely not be answering their phones.

I feel like a time bomb is ticking, counting down to the worst day of my entire life. I’m surviving, but that is really all I can stretch for right now: survival.

maternity 1

This is a sneak peek of the maternity photos we took on January 31st. I was 36 weeks. We’re doing our best to enjoy our last days with Analiese.

Final Analiese update

2015 has been the biggest emotional roller-coaster of my life. The year began great with college, finding a fantastic job that I love, and FINALLY taking a vacation with my husband for the first time. I got to visit Disney World, Harry Potter World (better known as Universal Studios for those that aren’t obsessed), and see my best friend in her new home in Florida. If you had told me then that I would end the year this way, I would have called you a liar.

Shortly after our vacation, Stefan and I found out we were pregnant. We had been trying and were so ridiculously excited. The amount of joy in our home was off the charts. We are trying to find some joy in the rest of the pregnancy, but it is hard. When most families are excited about the end of pregnancy drawing near and FINALLY meeting their babies, Stefan and I are terrified. I want to stay pregnant forever, because while I’m pregnant, my daughter is still alive. There’s no guarantee that she won’t self-abort near the end of the pregnancy, but her chances in utero are a hell of a lot better than after birth.

This will probably be the last medical update on Analiese until I post and let you know about her birth, and her passing. Stefan and I went to the Children’s National Hospital yesterday. It’s the best children’s hospital north of Scottish Rite in Atlanta, and we were there 9 hours having tests done and discussing our case with the various specialists. Pretty much every question we could possibly come up with was answered yesterday, and so the future is a lot more clear than it was, although entirely heartbreaking.

We had a fetal MRI, ultrasound, and another fetal echo-cardiogram done yesterday. The fetal MRI took in depth pictures of Analiese’s brain, and was able to photograph other organs that have been not been clear in ultrasounds. The ultrasound gave another perspective of all of her organs, and the fetal-echo gave us the information about her heart. It isn’t good news.

Analiese has 3 heart defects called Tricuspid Valve Atresia, Ventricular Septal Defect, and Hypoplastic Right Ventricle. Basically, this all means that her right ventricle didn’t form, and there is an extra hole in her heart that is allowing the blue and red blood to cross. There’s a bunch of other medical mumbo-jumbo that you all can feel free to google, but the moral of the story is it would take 2 surgeries to fix. If this was the only thing wrong with her, then I would be writing an entirely different blog post right now. But it isn’t.

The MRI showed us everything else that is wrong with Analiese. She has a midline brain defect called A Genesis of the Corpus Collosum. Basically that means that the connections between the left and right hemisphere didn’t form, and the two sides of her brain are not talking to each other. Her brain also hasn’t formed correctly. In a normal infant, the brain begins as a smooth surface, and during development it folds on itself symmetrically over and over. Her brain began folding, but it does not have the amount of folds that they see in normal brains. It appears as though her brain development is multiple weeks behind. If this happened in an otherwise perfectly healthy child, that child would have severe mental retardations, and likely would never be able to do anything independently. Her brain is also smaller than it should be at almost 32 weeks.

Analiese has also developed plural effusions (hydrops) in her chest around her lungs. Her lungs are much smaller than they should be, and her chest is very narrow. Too narrow to accommodate mature lungs. Her lungs will likely never mature enough to be able to support life.

We have known about her left kidney being cystic, but her right kidney has also developed a cyst. Due to the amniotic fluid being almost non-existent, the doctors believe that her kidneys are no longer functioning at all.

All of this can be linked back to her genetic abnormality diagnosis of Trisomy 10 Q. The doctors are still surprised that she has survived this long with such a large piece of extra genetic material. Before our appointment yesterday, we believed that the only thing that was killing her was her heart defect. We now know that isn’t true. If she survives until birth, she may not take a single breath. The plural effusions are concerning, because it means that organ systems are shutting down. IF more begin to form, then that could be a sign that she is about to self-abort. We are also at risk of not having any warning until the doctor cannot find her heart-beat. And with all of these organ systems not functioning and not forming, the best we can hope for is a few breaths at most.

This is our reality. We are trying to find joy in the moments we have with our precious daughter. But it is hard. 2016 is going to begin with emotional turmoil and trauma and there is nothing that we can do to change it. All we can do now is love our little girl for as long as humanly possible. I go for weekly ultrasounds to check in on her and make sure she is still fighting, but we are not likely to find out any more new information. We will have a memorial for her with our friends and family, but probably not until the summer. Stefan and I need time together, alone, to grieve and to deal with our heartbreak. Thank you all for supporting us and keeping us in your thoughts.

An Update on Analiese

Not much has changed throughout the last 4 weeks for Analiese (pronounced AH-nah-lee-sah), but we have a few things to update everyone on.

Analiese is now about 5 weeks behind in growth. I’m 28 weeks pregnant, and she is measuring around the size of a 23 weeks old. So that indicates she is still growing, but at about half the rate she should.

At my 26 week appointment, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, Dr Sweeney showed concern that Analiese had entered into heart failure. He based his concern on indicators such as a thickened heart muscle, and a build up of fluid in the chest around the heart. He also noted that her blood pressure in the umbilical cord was still at a normal level, which is odd for heart failure indicators. I requested that we see a fetal cardiologist to verify the heart issues, and saw him on Wednesday December 2nd.

During the fetal echo, the cardiologist explained all the things he saw wrong with the heart. There’s a lot of technical, medical information that I don’t exactly understand, so I’m going to dumb it down for everyone. Basically the diagnosis of TOF was incorrect. Analiese has a severe congenital heart defect that shows in multiple areas. Her right ventricle is sealed off from the left ventricle, and one of the valves didn’t form. The other two valves switched places and her right aorta is about half the size of what it should be.  The reason that her heart is still functioning at a normal level and pressure is because of the little hole in the top of the heart that everyone is born with. It is allowing blood to flow to her lungs and the rest of her body that isn’t receiving blood flow from the normal workforce of the heart.

All this means that from a cardiovascular standpoint, there is no reason for Analiese to spontaneously miscarry, and she should be able to survive labor and delivery. The trouble begins when she is separated from the hormones the placenta is providing to her that keeps the tiny hole open. Once she no longer receives those hormones the hole in her heart will begin to close, and at that point it will only be a matter of time before she passes. The cardiologist indicated that it normally takes a minimum of 6 hours.

I asked him if there was any surgical options for us, and he said no. The surgery to fix her heart problems is done in 3 parts, and each part is extremely dangerous for an otherwise perfectly healthy baby. He said that with the genetic factors that Analiese has, that she would not be a candidate for the surgery.

It has been a hard week for me and for Stefan. On one hand, we are so thankful that it seems as though we are guaranteed to meet our baby girl, but knowing that she will only be with us for a short amount of time is devastating. We are spending the time we have with her right now, and trying to focus on the joy we feel when she moves around and kicks.

Thank you so much for the love and support that has poured out on us in the last 4 weeks. We appreciate the fact that you all have respected our need for privacy to deal with this and try to prepare ourselves as much as possible. We don’t know exactly what the next 12 weeks hold, but as we receive more information we will update you all.

Baby Murphy Update

So, there is a reason for the lack of pregnancy updates, and it isn’t good. I’m writing this blog post so that hopefully everyone can read it, and update themselves on what is going on, thereby eliminating the need to repeat everything 22861882 times.

At 19 weeks, Stefan and I went to Walter Reed Bethesda for the anatomy scan. Baby Murphy was being extra stubborn, and they couldn’t get any good images to verify all the organs were developing properly. So they sent us to a Maternal Fetal Specialist.

At 21 weeks I was finally able to see the Maternal Fetal Specialist (you don’t even want to know the nightmare phone calls I had to make to get the appointment), and Dr. Sweeney had bad news for us. Baby Murphy

  • was about 2 weeks behind in growth
  • had a concerning spot on the heart
  • had a cyst on the left kidney
  • and was having trouble producing amniotic fluid, which was evident in the amount that was in the uterus.

Stefan and I were devastated. We were immediately sent over to a genetic counselor who explained that whenever they see this many problems in fetal development that there is normally a chromosomal genetic abnormality that is causing the issues. They recommended that I undergo testing in the form of an amniocentesis to view the chromosomal pairs and see exactly what is going on. She also told us that the amniocentesis is as definitive as you can get in this stage of pregnancy testing. I consented, and they did the procedure that day.

2 weeks later, at 23 weeks  we were informed of the results. Baby Murphy has a really rare genetic abnormality called Trisomy 10q. A quick explanation is that the 10th chromosomal pair made a partial 3rd copy (of the long (Q) arm), and that extra copy attached itself to the 22nd chromosome. This condition is extremely rare, and there isn’t very much information on it. The lab director said that this is the first time he has seen it in a live baby this far along. All other instances he has come across has been in miscarried babies.

So what does all this mean? Basically, we have to wait. Because of all the extra genetic material, there is a large chance that Baby Murphy could miscarry. There is nothing I can do, as a pregnant woman, to prevent that. My body is doing everything it needs to do, and I have not been put on bed rest, or limited work hours or anything of the sort. If Baby Murphy does not miscarry, and grows big enough to survive in NICU with interventions, then we will probably induce labor early.  I have weekly appointments with Dr. Sweeney to check on the progress Baby Murphy is making, and so far there has not been any changes. Baby Murphy is still about 2 weeks behind in growth (I’m now 24 weeks), the cyst on the left kidney is still there, the amniotic fluid is still low, and Dr. Sweeney believes that the heart problem  is a Tetralogy of Fallot (abbreviated TOF). If Baby Murphy continues to grow enough, I will be sent to a fetal cardiologist to verify if that is accurate.

If Baby Murphy does make it home, there is a wide spectrum on what life looks like. There will likely be health problems, and in the few cases I have found of Trisomy 10q online, the children often have a loss of hearing. We also have been told to expect learning disabilities/mental retardations. We’re doing our best to prepare for these outcomes, and are hoping and praying Baby Murphy makes it home.

Stefan and I also decided that with the future of Baby Murphy so unknown, we wanted to find out the gender. We’re having a baby girl, her name is Analiese.

Yeah, I’ve got issues.

I’ve posted about my friends and how amazing they are. I’ve also posted about how a friend should act.
I haven’t talked about how I am a crazy bitch. Seriously, I feel bad for my friends. I’ve got issues, I’m aware of that. I suppose everyone does. These issues have caused me to have extremely powerful, unwavering, intense emotions. I love as strongly as I hate.
And yes. I use the word hate. People tell me all the time “that’s a really strong word” and my response is “not strong enough”.
I’m possessive and obsessive. Most of that stems from being a teenager with self absorbed friends. You know, the ones that you spent every waking moment with for weeks/months, and then you were suddenly replaced by a new best friend? Yeah, that happened to me a little bit more often than normal. So now, I see my wonderful friends have other friends. And i try really hard to be happy they have a good friend that doesn’t live a minimum of 500 miles away. But mostly I obsess over their friendship, worry that I’ll be replaced, and be internally possessive over the friendship itself.
Believe it or not, I’m actually WAY better about all of this now. My poor husband dealt with an entire bag of crazy. Like, giant duffle bag sized. I’m down to a gallon sized ziploc bag of crazy now.

I see posts on Facebook and immediately get defensive. And that’s ridiculous. It doesn’t MATTER that I hate that bitch with every breath in me. It also doesn’t matter that if she dropped off the face of the planet I would throw a party. What matters is my best friend loves me. And she won’t replace me, even if it feels like it.

Ultimately, i made the decision to marry into the military life, and move away. I don’t get to have hurt feelings because my friends have fun without me. I know that. And I’m working on it.