It’s October. I hate October. I hate it almost as much as I hate February, which sucks. It sucks because October was a good month for me. It is when I got together with my husband. It’s the beginning of fall. It’s my sister’s birthday. I miss loving October.
My dislike for October is 2 fold now. The first fold is because October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. It breaks my heart that it NEEDS an awareness month. 1 in 4 women experience the loss of a child. 1 in 4. But there has to be an awareness month for women to feel comfortable talking about it. We shouldn’t be afraid to tell people that our children existed. Support the women in your life, because you don’t know what they are going through.
2nd fold. In 5 days it will be exactly 1 year since my world crashed at my feet. On October 20th, 2015 Stefan and I were completely blindsighted at the Doctor. We thought we were in for a ultrasound to get better images of our baby’s heart, and instead we found out that Analiese would die. I knew, in the pit of my stomach, that things were not okay. But I didn’t want to believe my feeling. I convinced myself that I was wrong, that I was paranoid. That my child was perfect. I was wrong. And within a 20 minute appointment with Dr. Sweeney my world changed irrevocably and forever.
My child existed. Analiese Claire Murphy survived in the womb for 37 weeks and 6 days. She lived in my arms for exactly 85 minutes. She matters. And my heart will be broken for the rest of my life because she is gone.
I’m spending time with my best friend, and it is wonderful being here. But it is hard too. Spending time with her perfect children makes me so happy and bitter at the same time. I love this family, but I miss Analiese. It’s hard to reconcile the contradictory feelings.
My arms are empty without Analiese. My heart is broken missing her. And while I’m functioning again, I’ll never be the same.
Don’t wait for October to be aware of the families everywhere that suffer the loss of a child. Don’t forget about the fathers. They miss their babies just as much as the mothers do. Be kind. Acknowledge that they had a child and are grieving. A person’s a person, no matter how small.