An Open Letter to My Daughter

March 11, 2016

Dear Analiese,

I can’t believe it has been an entire month since I last felt you kick inside me. Today should be a day of celebrating you. Instead I feel like my grief will crush me. It has been a month since the end of those 85 precious minutes. I’m thankful for the time I had with you, and did not take a single one of those minutes for granted. But I want more. I want to feed you and watch you grow. I want to teach you how to dance, and laugh while your daddy tickles you into submission. I want to watch you discover your love for reading, and your love for video games because we all know you would have loved both. I want to teach you what good music is, and see you discover the magic that lives within the Harry Potter series. I want to take you to Disney World and watch as you get swept away. I want to see you graduate high school and college. To watch you meet a man and fall desperately in love, like I am in love with your daddy. I want to help you plan a spectacular wedding that is exactly you. I want so much more than those 85 minutes.

My arms ache with how empty they are. I held you 27 days ago, but it feels like a lifetime has passed. My soul has aged hundreds of years without you. I’m weary and I miss you more than I could ever explain.

I hope you are happy where you are. I hope your grandmother and great grandmothers are spoiling you rotten, while your great aunt is playing tricks on you like she did on me. I hope you are getting into all kinds of mischief with your cousin, and making the angels crazy trying to keep up with you. I hope you’re happy.

Because I’m not. And neither is your daddy. It hurts to breathe without you, but we keep doing it. We don’t have a choice. Please know, we did absolutely everything we could, angel. And we love you more than we love our own lives.

You’re beautiful.

Happy 1 month, baby.

Love, Mommy.

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21 thoughts on “An Open Letter to My Daughter

  1. I’m not sure if the message I sent will get to you on Facebook, so I’m posting it here as well.

    Janice, I just wanted to let you know that your message/picture did reach your Fairy Godmother, as well as other wonderful friends at the Magic Kingdom. I’m not sure if she’s on Facebook, but know that she did get to see it! I’m so sorry for your loss, but it warms my heart to know that you experienced this moment at Disney. I’ve lived here for several years, originally from Baltimore, and it’s these cast members and their interactions with guests that means the most to me and is what I see as true magic. May you and your family have love and strength in this time and throughout your lives.

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  2. Your story brought me to tears.
    I’ve had 2 miscarriages and 2 live births , I can’t even begin to understand the hurt u and ur hubby feel. The pics you’ve shared are beautiful. I’m so so so sorry for your loss. I’m sending hugs and prayers .
    May ur lil guardian angel watch over you keep you safe.
    Sincerely
    Becky

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  3. “To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.”
    — Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I stumbled across your blog thanks to Facebook. At almost midnight on a Monday night, I’ve read each and every one of your posts about your daughter and your struggle. My heart aches for you. I cannot imagine your pain. We seem to live in the same area.. I hope you find some comfort in sharing your story. I thank you for sharing it, no matter how hard it may be. And I admire your desire to pump and donate. What a legacy you are leaving for your daughter. Sending you so much love and hugs ❤️

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  5. I found your blog after seeing the article about the Fairy Godmother at Disney. That article alone moved me to tears. Then I saw your blog and read about what you and your husband are going through. You have my deepest condolences from a fellow Mom of an Angel. We lost our son from Trisomy 13 & 18 and a myriad of other health issues when I was 6 months pregnant in 2013. It’s not an easy path to walk but know that you’re not alone. Know you’re in my thoughts and prayers.

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  6. I found your blog after seeing your picture on Facebook about your daughter and the Fairy Godmother.

    I am also a mommy of an angel who passed almost 2 years ago. My Noah was born still at 35 weeks. I got to hold him and love him even though his soul was no longer here in the physical world. I’m so glad you got to do the same with your baby girl.

    I just want to let you know how sorry I am. I know the empty feeling all too well and how much your heart aches. Just know that you are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  7. Looking down at my two year old, I feel guilty. Some days I feel like he is gonna drive me crazy, I get frustrated and talk about needing a break, a day to myself. I was never going to be a mother. He was a surprise. Every day I hold him and kiss him, tell him I love him, never realizing what I could have missed out on..how many people out there would do anything to be driven crazy by their baby..your loss overwhelmed my heart. I can’t imagine my life without him now..I hope in time you find peace and happiness. Your story really reaches so many people in different ways.

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  8. Pingback: You might choke up when you learn what’s inside that purple teddy bear | Hot Topics TV - Pop Culture News

  9. I read your blog and it truly broke my heart I am so sorry for your loss. Remember that your precious little angel is looking down on you and her daddy and watching over you. I bet she’s up in heaven smiling down at you and playing with the Angels. May god bless you and your family you are in my prayers👏 Love Maria

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  10. Hello,
    I found your story on facebook. I had a stillborn when I was 16 years old. I was 38 weeks pregnant and was supposed to be induced that week because how big is had gotten. It has been 9 years and I have also had 6 miscarriages since then but I haven’t tried in about 6 years. Every time I run into someone that had went through any of those kind of heart breaks I help them and I have over 50 girls/women I talk to on a regular bases and they vent and it makes me happy to know my daughter lives on with me and everyone that I have helped or the ones that know me. I haven’t met anyone like me that wants everyone to know my story and help as many people as I can with the heartache. I am so glad I found your story because it just made me smile because I found someone that is like me that wants the story to be known and our babies to live on with everyone. The part in your story about the fairy godmother it’s true they are not past tense. I would like to talk to you some more because I have been trying to find someone like me for 9 years. My story is very long and sad but what I have became a very strong woman because of it! You just made me see me from everyone else’s view and it is amazing! Thank you so much for being such a strong woman!!!

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  11. Pingback: You might choke up when you learn what's inside that purple teddy bear – WHIO

  12. My son, Noah was stillborn at 38 weeks. This happened in 2012. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The pain, the heart ache, the tears, the sadness, the what ifs and what could have been doesn’t really go away. One learn to get through it because you just have to. I have another child and husband who needed me so I had to be strong for them. Though, I don’t cry as much as I did in the beginning, I still find myself crying when I remember him, miss him, think of him, when I visit the cemetery or when I come across a story just like mine. Like now, I am crying buckets while typing this message because I know what it feels like to loose someone you were looking forward to meeting. I wanted so bad to hear him cry and laugh. I wanted so bad to see him smile. To see him grow up. I wanted so bad to hug and kiss him. I wanted so many things for him. Sometimes, I say to myself that maybe God needed more angels in heaven thats why he took Noah from us and sometimes I say it wasn’t fair! Although, it’s taken me a long time to accept that our son is gone, I am finding reasons to smile and be happy again. We were blessed with another baby boy last year! He is turning ONE next month! Thank you for sharing your story. Stay strong and I hope you find more reasons to smile and be happy again! God bless you and your family!

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  13. I can’t imagine your pain. What a beautiful thing you are doing for your baby girl. She was so precious. I know how you long to watch her grow and spend lots of time with her. The Bible holds out out a wonderful promise in John 5:28 that God will resurrect our dead loved ones and reunite us with them. They will have perfect health Isaiah 33:24. In Revelation 21:4 he assures us that he will wipe out our tears and pain and the things that cause us tears and pain. I hope this brings you some comfort. My heart goes out to you and your husband. To Learn more about the Bible’s promises you can visit http://www.jw.org

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  14. Pingback: An Open Letter to My Daughter | tracym120552

  15. Praying that you and your husband find some measure of comfort and peace soon, I just can’t imagine how much time it will take. I had a friend lose a baby to T13 years ago and they were also blessed to have her for a few hours when the doctors told them she would never breathe on her own. Analiese is a beautiful name for a beautiful angel. Sending many prayers your way today, and for many days to come.

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  16. Pingback: You might choke up when you learn what’s inside this purple teddy bear – Rare

  17. I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain of losing a child. We lost our son 9 years ago 23 hours after he was born to Fetal Hydrops. I am glad that you were able to have a counselor to help you with the grieving process. Unfortunately it took me a while before I found someone who could help me. Analiese will always be in your hearts and will give you strength when you need it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  18. Your story really touched my heart. I lost my daughter 20 years ago in December. She was 3 1/2 and passed from complications of type A influenza. I have always thought of myself as lucky as I did get to meet and learn who my daughter was and what kind of person she would have become. My heart hurts for you and all of those that do not get to experience the joy of seeing them grow, talk, walk, and develop a personality.
    I will say even after 20+ years it doesn’t get any easier, but we do become more hardened as we try to deal with day to day things. At least I can now look back and try and remember the good things about her life and even smile more than I used too.
    May God, or whatever you believe in smile upon you, your husband and the rest of your family knowing that you do indeed have a guardian angel looking after you. Bless you and your family, from my heart to yours.

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