Yet another update

I never know how to begin these blog posts. I feel like I’m just writing yet another update on the misery that is my life currently. But we receive text messages daily checking in on “how we’re doing”, so I feel like it is necessary. At least, it makes my life easier to just update everyone at once.

So how are we doing? We’re surviving. We wake up every day, and eat breakfast and then proceed to attempt to be distracted from our heartbreak. Stefan plays video games. I begin and reject at least 3 different TV shows, 2 different books and a movie. I usually end up just laying on the couch, in Stefan’s lap, snuggling Analiese’s bear, doing absolutely nothing. I feel numb right now. I can go large periods of every day without feeling any emotions at all. And then I feel guilty, because I’m not actively sad, so I look at her pictures. And then I get overwhelmed with grief, and snuggle her bear harder.

Most of the time, it doesn’t feel real. Physically my recovery is easy, and I fit in all my pre-pregnancy clothes. There’s nothing physical to remind me that my daughter was born, and died, 13 days ago. It’s all emotional. So when I have those moments of sweeping grief, I feel guilty on top of everything else that I’m not overwhelmingly sad all day every day.

On Monday, Stefan and I went to Lasting Tributes and picked up Analiese’s ashes. Yesterday we went and had a friend’s mom open up the back of her bear, and put her ashes inside it. So now, when I snuggle her bear, I’m able to snuggle my daughter as well. Not the way I desperately want, but better than nothing.

Someone recently described grief as waves. Some of them you can jump over, and some of them knock you flat on your back and make you feel like you’re drowning. Most of the waves I’m hit with are the latter.

There isn’t words for what we feel, or how we’re doing. We are just taking every day moment by moment until it is time to go to bed, and then we do it all over again the next day.

I’m still pumping, and I’m almost finished with the process so that I can donate. I average about 25 ounces a day now, and it still lifts my spirits, knowing that Analiese’s birth has given me a way to help so many babies. I’m not gonna lie though, I’d rather be feeding my baby.


16 thoughts on “Yet another update

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. I came across your page by accident, well I don’t believe in accidents. Anyway, I just read a book by a wife and mom of 4. Three girls and their angel in heaven, he died in the 33rd week of pregnancy. She is a Christian, her husband is in the band Jesus Culture. She wrote a book called Mending Tomorrow. Her name is Alyssa Quilala. The book is very good and I just wanted to share that with you. As I said I don’t think I ended up on your page by accident. I don’t know your story so I hope I haven’t offended you in any way. Again, I’m so sorry about your beautiful angel.


  2. Oh, how my heart just aches for you both. I can not even imagine what you have been through these last few months. I do not know you, but pray you are comforted and find peace. What a wonderful Mommy and Daddy your sweet little angel had.


  3. How many liked your fairy grandmother photo on Facebook? I’m sure many. Which lead me to your Facebook profile to see pictures of your beautiful daughter. My dearest, most deepest sympathy to you-
    You will be in my prayers.


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  9. Losing a child is heartbreaking.

    I once read a line saying a mom will miss her lost child all the time until the day they meet in heaven. You will unite with her, someday.

    I pray that God will introduce my baby to yours and none of them will feel lonely.

    Take your time to grieve

    And move on when you are ready.

    Take your time


  10. I saw your fairy godmother picture and needed to find out more about your situation.

    My heart breaks for you. No words can mend anything and you NEED to feel these emotions. I beg that you dont carry on eith guilt about not being sad everyday…youre body and brain isnt meant to be and thats okay.

    My first son lived for one week, one precious amazing week. Its been almost 7 years and anytime I read something like this or hear of it I get a lump in my throat and I cry. I cry for your loss, my loss and the loss of all children.

    The heartache will deminish, you will live once more again and I pray that you live it to the fullest without the regret of living happily even though your daughter isnt here.

    All of my love to you ad your husband.


  11. Pingback: Grieving Mom Meets Real-Life 'Fairy Godmother'

  12. I am oh so very sorry over the loss of your beautiful daughter. This hits HOME with me. I lost my daughter after 5 weeks of birth, she was born at 28 weeks and passed away due to illness. Her 7th birthday would be next month on the 27. Not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her or wish she were here, my heart hurts for you all. If you ever want to chat, I am here. or 954 232 7552. I just had to reach out and comment, I absolutely loved your sweet fairy godmother story. It got to me. My prayers are with you all. Again, I am so very very sorry. She is beautiful.


  13. Wow! Very emotional and heartwarming. My baby girl Gabrielle was stillborn. I was full term. She would was born April 18, but found out her tiny little heart wasn’t beating on the 17th. This year she would have been 8. She’s in heaven and was there to meet my dad. I know my sisters greeted her on her arrival. I think of my Gabby always and yes I still cry when I think of her. But she doesn’t want me grieving forever she wants me to live on for her older sisters. I am skeptical on mediums but when she told me what my daughter said and how I always wondered who met my Gabby it calmed me and I felt a soothing relief. She told me things nobody knew and really how can I not believe my cousin who I’m not at all close too. When she saw my other daughter who she never met she almost fainted and asked who is that girl because she thought there was a ghost following the other girls in the house. She hung on to my auntie and said she looks like Gabby minus the glasses. Not saying everyone believes in mediums but just saying this is what brought me comfort. Yes next month we will have Gabby’s birthday party as always. She will always be my Angel. May he good Lord bring you all comfort.


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