What we need

I’ve received so much love and support from everyone throughout this whole process. This is truly the hardest thing I will ever deal with in my life, and while nothing and no one can make it easier, the people surrounding me have definitely helped make it not harder.

The top statement of the day is “let me know if you need anything, or if I can do anything for you”. And I know they mean it. I know absolutely that if I called any one person and said “I can’t face cooking right now but I’m hungry” food would magically appear at my door. And I might be asking for that soon. But right now, that’s not what I need.

I need someone to bring my baby girl back to me. It’s that simple, and that impossible. You see, I had to leave her today at the hospital and go home. And I left her in the best possible hands. But they aren’t MY hands. Or my husbands. And I don’t know what to do with my arms and heart so empty.

My daughter is beautiful and precious, and she has impacted everyone that met her or that has read her story. But she hasn’t impacted anyone as much as she impacted me and her daddy. Our lives will never ever be the same. And we want her back. I want to love on her while I fall asleep. Sleeping is so hard without her kicking me inside my belly, or held close beside me.

I have no physical proof that I carried her. She was so small, I don’t look like I just had a baby. And I want to so desperately. I want people to KNOW that I am a mommy to a beautiful angel. I have no stretch marks. No scar. Nothing to prove she existed except for pictures and her story. Analiese Claire is the best thing I have ever done. And I need her with me. Her daddy needs her with him.

This isn’t fair. But it is my awful reality.

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I love you so much, my sweet angel girl. I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough.

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3 thoughts on “What we need

  1. I know so many people are heart broken for you and Stefan and Analiese. I know none of our pain comes close to yours. I weep with every post. You are one of my most favorite people I’ve met in my lifetime.
    What I have to say is you are allowed to tell people. They will be uncomfortable. They will rarely know what to say. Cry in public, you are grieving. Don’t ever stop yourself from saying when I was pregnant or when I had my baby. You and Stefan gave Analiese life. You carried Analiese, you gave birth, you are a Mom. You have suffered the worse loss imaginable. So let it be known sweet girl. I have never know you to not say something because of what others think, don’t start now.
    You have so many family and friends that have been with you during this. We have seen your beautiful baby girl. We love her. We can’t bring her back, but we won’t let her go. We won’t forget her. Call us at 3 a.m. We will cry with you. Or curse. Or both.
    I adore you. I’m here.

    Like

  2. I came across your story on Facebook and I just wanted to tell you that you are such a strong woman for going through this and being able to talk about it. And you are putting your beautiful daughters story into people’s hearts and minds, making us all remember to appreciate what we have. I’m so sorry for your loss

    Like

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