I’ve received so much love and support from everyone throughout this whole process. This is truly the hardest thing I will ever deal with in my life, and while nothing and no one can make it easier, the people surrounding me have definitely helped make it not harder.
The top statement of the day is “let me know if you need anything, or if I can do anything for you”. And I know they mean it. I know absolutely that if I called any one person and said “I can’t face cooking right now but I’m hungry” food would magically appear at my door. And I might be asking for that soon. But right now, that’s not what I need.
I need someone to bring my baby girl back to me. It’s that simple, and that impossible. You see, I had to leave her today at the hospital and go home. And I left her in the best possible hands. But they aren’t MY hands. Or my husbands. And I don’t know what to do with my arms and heart so empty.
My daughter is beautiful and precious, and she has impacted everyone that met her or that has read her story. But she hasn’t impacted anyone as much as she impacted me and her daddy. Our lives will never ever be the same. And we want her back. I want to love on her while I fall asleep. Sleeping is so hard without her kicking me inside my belly, or held close beside me.
I have no physical proof that I carried her. She was so small, I don’t look like I just had a baby. And I want to so desperately. I want people to KNOW that I am a mommy to a beautiful angel. I have no stretch marks. No scar. Nothing to prove she existed except for pictures and her story. Analiese Claire is the best thing I have ever done. And I need her with me. Her daddy needs her with him.
This isn’t fair. But it is my awful reality.
I love you so much, my sweet angel girl. I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough.