Introducing Analiese Claire Murphy

Analiese Claire Murphy was born on Thursday February 11th, 2016 at 10:29pm. She weighed 3 pounds 1.7 ounces and was 15.5 inches long. She’s the most beautiful baby I have ever laid my eyes on. My beautiful daughter passed away at 11:54pm, an hour and 25 minutes after her birth. She spent every second of that 85 minutes enveloped in my arms, or in her daddy’s arms. All she knew is love, and adoration, and peace.

The rest of this blog post will be her birth story, and I’ll post a few pictures at the bottom. More pictures will be available later once our friend finishes uploading them for us. Analiese Claire lived on this earth for 85 minutes, and she was determined to meet her mommy and her daddy. She deserves to have her story told.

The original plan was to call the hospital at 11:15pm on February 10th, 2016 to make sure there was space available in the labor and delivery ward. Assuming the answer was a yes, we were to check in at 12:15am on February 11th. Well, we all know what they say about the best laid plans. After spending the entire day getting ready to go to the hospital and having our anxiety grow, when I called at 11:15, there was no space for a planned induction. The hospital said that they would call me once some rooms started opening up. So off to sleep I went. At 05:40 they called me and said that I could come in. So after getting dressed, packing the car, and a quick stop at Chick-Fil-A for breakfast, we arrived at the hospital at 7:20am. General checking in and such went pretty quickly and we sat around waiting for my doctor until 9am. Poor lady had a c-section scheduled first thing when she got to work. So by 9:10am I received my first dose of Cytotec. Up until this point I had not had any contractions other than braxton hicks, so we are really starting my labor from scratch. My doctor, Dr. Hays, tells me that they will check my progression every 4 hours, and that I will get another dose of cytotec then.

The first four hours were pretty uneventful. I began cramping, which was a good sign, and Stefan and I played cards. He kicked my ass, as usual, at Egyptian Rat Screw and Rummy. I was slowly getting more irritable, which always means I’m getting more and more uncomfortable. At 1:20 Dr Hays came back and checked my dilation. I had progressed to 1 cm! She was pleased that progression had happened, and gave me my second dose. Stefan and I decided that we needed to catch a nap, so we laid down around 2. I was up by 3:30, conceding defeat. I was cramping too badly to sleep. Stefan, of course, was snoozing away on the couch. I called my nurse, Annie O, and asked for the birthing ball. I sat on it for a little while, and tried to read but it just wasn’t enough. So I got dressed and went out to the nurses station to pace and chat. I really love the nurses here, so if you are looking for a hospital to deliver at you should just come to Anne Arundel Medical Center. I have only had wonderful experiences with the nurses and staff. They’re awesome.

I chat with Annie O, Anne, and another nurse for about 45 minutes, and then decided to wake up Stefan because it was ALMOST time to get checked again. At this point I was looking forward to getting checked because I fully intended to ask for an epidural. My thoughts were that I was either progressing enough to need one, or I wasn’t progressing enough but I was in too much pain to endure it at this slow of a pace. I was getting the drugs, regardless. The good news is I was still progressing. I was at 2cm and about 80% effaced. I was a little worried I would slow down progession by getting the epidural too early, but my doctor assured me that even if it slowed down a little, it would still be okay. So I got my 3rd dose of cytotec at 5:15pm and I had the epidural in place by 6:00pm. And let me tell you, that was the best decision of my LIFE. The contractions were so bad I couldn’t stay still during them at all, so the epidural was a little scary but it all went perfectly. After I got the drugs things really started rolling along.

My mom got here around 6:30 and helped get things settled in the room. We played more Rummy and mom was actually beating Stefan. I love watching him lose a game because it very rarely happens. Dr Hays checked me again at 7:45 and I had progressed to 3cm and 100% effaced. She also put in a UPC (I think) to give a better picture of how my contractions were progressing. I text my friend Leanne to go ahead and head this way. Leanne arrived by 9pm, she was our acting photographer. I cannot say enough about how amazing she was. She is not a photographer, at all, but she has a fancy camera and a loving and giving heart. It was wonderful to be able to focus on Analiese and Stefan without worrying about missing a moment of our limited time together because we were focused on taking a picture. She was spectacular throughout the entire evening. We all sat and talked for a little while, and I noticed that my epidural wasn’t working in one spot on my left side. I could feel my contractions pretty strongly. I called Grace (who was my nighttime nurse. Shift changed happened at 7pm), and she told me about the bolster button for my epidural. MAGIC. I hit the button, laid down on my left side, and within 15 minutes it was all numb again. Hooray!

Around 10pm I started feeling a ridiculous amount of pressure in my vagina with every contraction. (That is a direct quote.) Grace came in and called Dr. Hays to come check me again. Turns out, Analiese was crowning. It was time to have this baby. Everyone jumped into action mode, and I’m laying in the bed with dead legs, wondering how I’m supposed to take off my tank top and bra with an epidural in my back. Whoops! Grace helped me get squared away, and Stefan got a gown on top of his clothes so he could hold our baby girl. A few minutes later we were ready for me to start pushing. 2 and a half contractions later, Analiese had her head out completely, but the cord was wrapped around her neck fairly tightly, twice. Dr Hays untangled her, and I pushed her the rest of the way out.

Analiese immediately began to cry, but instead of a baby’s cry it was a soft squeaky sound. They put her on my chest immediately and covered her up with a warm blanket. Stefan leaned in, and we both just listened to her soft squeaks. Dr Hays delayed the cord clamping like I asked, and I truly believe it made a big difference in the lifespan of my daughter. I don’t remember exactly how the rest of everything went. I know they asked me to push again to birth the placenta, but everything was very much so in the background. My entire focus was on Analiese, and Stefan. I was so amazed that she came out so strong. I’ve known she was a fighter throughout this entire pregnancy. It was shown at every weekly appointment when Dr. Sweeney was shocked that she still had a heartbeat. He eventually began to expect it because my daughter defies all expectations. She was born with a heartbeat and breathing, something that none of my doctors expected. My daughter kicks ass.

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I remember passing Analiese to Stefan so he could hold her, and she was still with us. He sat in the chair, and then he got into the bed with me and held her between us. We played “pass the baby” back and forth, because we each wanted the other to have enough time with her while she was still with us. Around 11:40 Stefan had the brilliant idea to play our song. For the past few days we had been searching for a song to fit this situation and just couldn’t find one that fit perfectly and that we loved. Then it dawned on him and we couldn’t believe it took so long. It is our song for our relationship, and it fits our situation in that moment perfectly.

“I don’t want this moment to ever end where everything’s nothing without you. I’ll wait here forever just to see you smile, ’cause it’s true I am nothing without you. Through it all I’ve made my mistakes I stumble and fall. But I mean these words. I want you to know with everything I won’t let this go. These words are my heart and soul. I hold on to this moment you know, ’cause I’d bleed my heart out to show that I won’t let go.”

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We both had a feeling that it was time to have her heartbeat checked again, and called for Grace. She had Dr. Hays come in to verify, and Analiese’s official time of death was 11:54pm on February 11th, 2016. She spent every minute of those 85 minutes in arms that love and adore her. Stefan and I cannot believe how lucky we are to have made such a perfectly beautiful little girl.

I’m sure at this point you’re wondering how Stefan and I are doing. And answering that question is really hard. We’re shattered, but Analiese is still with us in the room. We’re still at the hospital, and Analiese will stay with us until we check out tomorrow. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking she is just asleep, but she isn’t. And I don’t think it will truly hit us until we go home with empty arms.

We had a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come today and take professional pictures of Analiese. They are such an amazing organization, and took fantastic care of Analiese today. I don’t have the words to show how much appreciation I feel for them, or for the nursing staff here at the hospital. They’ve taken amazing care of me and of Analiese.

Thank you everyone for giving us time and privacy to grieve. We are dealing with the hardest thing we will ever have to face in our entire lives, and are leaning on each other heavily right now. We love you all, and thank you for your thoughts, good wishes, and prayers. Keep it up, because we need them more than ever right now. My daughter left us way too soon, and we are not okay. But we are surviving, and will continue to survive. We don’t have a choice.

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Analiese after her bath, dressed in the outfit I made for her. 

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My mom holding her precious granddaughter, wrapped in the blanket I made for her.

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I love my angel baby girl.

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24 thoughts on “Introducing Analiese Claire Murphy

    • This is so sad and I am so sorry for your loss. Personally this hits me hard. The reason that it effects me so much is that I have a rare chromosome disorder (one that was supposed to kill me when I was an infant). Long story short, I am healthy and alive today (besides the chromosome abnormality) which has little to no effect on my day to day life. I really have little idea how I survived but everyday I thank God for it. I have know few with rare chromosome disorders as well because of the circumstances. I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss and your baby girl is beautiful. I know that she is in good hands and loves her mommy and daddy as much as I love mine. ❤️

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  1. I love you Janice! She is so beautiful, wish I could have met her. I know y’all are far from okay and will be a very long time before you will… I pray sooo hard for y’all. I cried literally all day. Then I was about to rode trip last minute… it’s only 10 hrs wouldn’t be the first time. Just to hold your angel baby. I know you will be there for each other but we are all here for you as well don’t be shy bc it would be a first. I picture her in heaven with maw maw and mom fighting over who gets to hold her . She is very loved down here and up there. I love you I love you I love you!!!!

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  2. My heart breaks for you. I lost a beautiful little girl at birth many long years ago. Thank God for blessing you with such a beautiful baby and the time you got to spend with her. I pray for your healing.

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  3. She is just a beautiful little angel…I am praying for you and Stefan… This was a beautiful post about your sweet angel…and I hope your heart heals over time and I am so glad yall got to spend time with her…thank you for sharing your family’s beautiful story

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  4. Big soft warm hugs, to you and Stefan, and your family, and baby Analiese. I’m so sorry for your loss and so happy that you were able to spend some time with her here on this earth before she gained her wings. So much love and prayers to all of you ❤

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  5. I was so moved by your story and writing. I was crying over your loss as it reminds me of my own. Your passion for your child and the love you bathed her in rang in my head loud and clear. You are such a good mother. Tell your husband Stefan to find a way to express his greif. They are so few ways in our society that a man can be vulnerable and cry. Even over a tragic outcome like this – I felt people felt uncomfortable with it much less any expression of loss.
    It must have been difficult to write so much about something that weighs heavy on your heart.
    I was unsure how I was going to do it. But I just tried to make it day by day. You have such a fierce capacity to love – I have a hunch you will live each day as you can. I would suggest you keep a journal and write what you feel. You write with such clarity.

    My heart goes out to you and your husband at this bittersweet event. Be there for each other regardless of how you end up grieving. Reach out for support when you are ready. Ignore well meaning but hurtful people and comments. God bless. You are in my prayers

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  6. Janice and Stefan you both are very brave people. Your beautiful baby girl was blessed to have you and your love. Continue to hold on to her memory and each other.

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  7. Your story has touched me beyond words. My husband and I found out that our baby has Trisomy 18 at 13 weeks (and we are now 26). We live in MD as well and your blog has really inspired me and I appreciate your willingness to share your experience. Sending you and your family love and peace during this time.

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    • Thank you so much. I don’t know what area you are in here in MD but if you want or need any resources or support groups please let me know. I have found wonderful counselors, doctors and people that have all been through this nightmare and they are helping me tremendously.

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  11. Your story leaves me with no words. I experienced something similar a week ago. However, I couldn’t see my baby or have it because it was to small. God bless you.

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  12. She is absolutely gorgeous. As a mom who has had a stillbirth. I feel your pain, and I understand your current emotional state.

    I only can offer my condolences, and say that I am sure our daughters are playing together somewhere beautiful.

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  14. I feel your pain but you’ll make it threw. Me and my wife have a 2 year old girl Mackenna is her name she was also born with a cromosone deletion leaving her with a-genesis of the corpus colossum(her brain doesn’t connect) with her wait and the emergency c-section she wasn’t suppose to live but now she’s 2 and starting to walk and talk. My wife took it really hard and even now the she’s struggling with it but our girl is moving up the ladder fast. Don’t let this discourage from having another child Analiese was an awesome blessing for you and she’s still with you every day. There nothing better than going when your loved and she is loved by many. Stay strong for she stayed strong for you.

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  15. I’m so sorry. I have no words and I can’t imagine what you are going through. My heart aches for your family and you are in my prayers. Another commenter said it right: She was just too beautiful for Earth.

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